Grief is one of the most universal human experiences, yet it rarely looks the same from one person to the next. Age, life stage, relationship history, and even the way someone communicates can all shape how grief shows up and how healing happens. What comforts an adult might confuse a child. What helps a teen may not reach them if it doesn’t account for the complexity of adolescence.
So how can we offer meaningful support to those grieving, especially when they’re at very different developmental stages?
To help us better understand this, we spoke with one of our therapists at Palo Alto Therapy, Jen Clayman, AMFT, APCC, who specializes in grief and loss across the lifespan. Jen works with children as young as five, as well as with teens, adults, couples and families, offering compassionate support for those navigating sorrow after a death, a major transition, or a less visible loss like identity or estrangement.
She draws from her training in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, psychodynamic approaches, mindfulness, and play therapy to meet clients exactly where they are. Whether working with a young child who doesn’t have the words for their grief or guiding parents through how to support a struggling teen, Jen brings empathy and structure to the healing process.
In this conversation, Jen shares her clinical insight into how grief may look at different ages, what signs suggest someone could benefit from support, and why there is no “right” way to grieve.
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How does grief tend to show up differently depending on someone’s developmental stage, for children, teens, and adults?
Before we get into the interview, let’s get a better understanding of generally how grief looks at different stages.
Grief is shaped not only by the nature of the loss but by the cognitive and emotional tools a person has to make sense of it.
In children…
grief often presents through changes in behavior rather than through verbal expression. They may act out, regress to earlier stages of development, or express fears about safety and separation. Because their understanding of death is still forming, their grief can be fragmented and cyclical. It may resurface in new ways as they grow older and revisit the loss with a more mature awareness.
Teens …
may experience grief with a greater depth of insight but often find it difficult figuring out how to process it or ask for help. Their reactions can be intense and varied, including irritability, withdrawal, academic decline, or emotional numbness. For some, grief can trigger existential questions or amplify feelings of alienation, especially if they feel their peers cannot relate.
Adults …
are more likely to have an intellectual grasp on the meaning of a loss, but that does not necessarily ease the emotional impact. Many adults feel pressure to carry on with work and caregiving responsibilities, which can delay or complicate their grieving process. Emotional suppression, exhaustion, or physical symptoms like headaches and fatigue are not uncommon, especially when support systems are limited.
At every stage, grief reflects the inner world of the griever, shaped by developmental context, coping mechanisms, and the environment around them. Understanding those differences is the first step toward offering support that is not only compassionate but also developmentally attuned.
Young Children’s Common Loss Experiences
Children grieve more than just death. While the death of a family member or pet is often the most obvious trigger, children may also grieve significant changes in their world. These can include moving homes, changing schools, a divorce or separation, losing a caregiver relationship, or even a shift in family structure, such as the arrival of a new sibling.
Adults sometimes overlook these losses because they may not seem “serious.” But for children, who rely on stability and routine for security, such changes can be deeply unsettling. Because children may not have the vocabulary to describe their sadness or fear, they often express grief through behavior. This might include tantrums, difficulty separating from caregivers, physical complaints, or changes in sleep or appetite. Validating a child’s emotional world, even when their grief seems disproportionate to the event, is key to helping them feel understood and supported.
Play Therapy for Processing Grief in Childhood
Play therapy allows children to express thoughts and emotions that may be too complex or overwhelming to articulate. In grief work, play becomes a window into the child’s inner experience. Through drawing, storytelling, imaginative play, and role-playing, children symbolically reenact themes related to loss. A therapist trained in play therapy observes patterns and gently engages with the child to help them identify feelings, build emotional literacy, and restore a sense of safety.
Unlike adults, children often don’t benefit from direct verbal conversations about their emotions in the same way. Instead, they express themselves through metaphor and action. A child might repeatedly bury a doll, recreate scenarios of separation, or draw storms and chaos. These expressions are not random. They are often the psyche’s way of working through confusion, fear, and longing. In the hands of a skilled therapist, play can become both diagnostic and healing.
Recognizing Your Child’s Grief Symptoms
Some signs of grief in children are developmentally appropriate and may resolve with time and supportive care. However, certain indicators suggest that a child may benefit from professional help. These include persistent sadness that interferes with daily functioning, prolonged behavioral regression (such as bedwetting or loss of speech), intense separation anxiety, sleep disturbances, recurring nightmares, or a preoccupation with death.
Parents may also notice increased aggression, social withdrawal, or a drop in school performance. In some cases, children may express a desire to join the deceased, which, while not always a sign of suicidality, should never be ignored.
If a parent or caregiver has the sense that “something just isn’t right,” it is worth reaching out for a consultation. A therapist can assess whether the child’s reactions are within the expected range and provide guidance tailored to their emotional and developmental needs.
The Complexity of Grieving During Adolescence
Adolescence is a time of profound psychological change. Teens are exploring who they are, asserting independence, and navigating intense social dynamics. Grief can feel like an emotional ambush during this period. Unlike younger children, teens understand the permanence and existential weight of death. But unlike adults, they may lack the emotional tools to process these realities in healthy ways.
Many teens turn inward or withdraw from family, leaning instead on peers who may not know how to support them. Others may act out through risk-taking, substance use, or defiance. These behaviors can be misunderstood as rebellion when they are, in fact, expressions of unresolved grief.
Teens may also be uncomfortable with feeling different from their peers after a loss. Grieving can be isolating, especially in a culture that tends to minimize emotional vulnerability. Therapy for grieving teens often focuses on normalizing their experience, creating space to explore emotions without judgment, and helping them find ways to express grief that align with their developmental stage and personal identity.
Interview with Therapist Jen Clayman
What are some of the biggest misconceptions you hear from clients or families about what grief “should” look like?
Jen: One of the most powerful lessons I learned from working as a therapist is that grief takes its time. I have met with many clients who are, in addition to feeling the sorrow that comes with grief, upset or angry at themselves for not grieving the way they feel they are “supposed to.” When grief lingers, they wonder why they aren’t “moving on” fast enough. But grief is unique to every individual; there is no set timeline or series of stages (even Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who first articulated the idea of “five stages” of grief, recognized that healthy grieving takes many forms).
It’s important to understand that grief impacts people differently depending on a number of factors. These include the nature of our relationship with the person who died, the nature of the death, the age of the deceased, and the grieving person’s trauma history. For example, two adult children from different households mourning the recent loss of an elderly parent will grieve very differently if one experienced a loving childhood home and the other experienced abuse. A death by suicide is grieved differently than a death by illness—even if the illness was sudden and unexpected. A child’s death is experienced differently than that of an adult. A person with PTSD who experiences a loss may experience grief more intensely.
In your work, how do seasonal or milestone-based shifts—like graduations, anniversaries, or life changes—impact grieving individuals or families?
Jen: Life milestones and holidays can be especially difficult for people who are grieving. These are times when we might wish our people were there to share in a happy occasion or help us through a challenge. A smell or sound might surface memories, and even happy memories can make us feel sadness and loss. For some, grief changes holidays forever because we just can’t celebrate in the way we once did. What I have tried to convey to my clients is that it is okay to experiment. For some, in the first years after a loss, it is best to do things as they’ve always been done. For others, it makes more sense to make significant changes. As a therapist, I have tried to help clients discern what makes sense for themselves and their families, and to give themselves permission to be open to different possibilities.
How does grief show up in adults, even when they’re trying to “stay strong” for others?
Jen: One of the best ways we can support our children of any age is by modeling openness and willingness to be with our own feelings without putting children in the position of having to comfort us. This is a tricky balance. It requires parents and caregivers to be willing to sit with pain and sorrow, and to experience these emotions openly, in front of our children, without asking them to fix us. When we engage in this kind of modeling, we signal to our children and teens that it is okay to feel grief-related feelings, and it is okay to talk about them. If we model suppressing these emotions in the name of “being strong,” our children will learn that they should do the same.
What advice do you give parents who want to support their grieving child but (especially in the case of a teen) don’t want to push too hard or say the wrong thing?
Jen: For the most part, I think that parents can’t go wrong if we approach our children with genuine curiosity about their inner lives. Think about the difference between “I’m sad and torn about how to celebrate Thanksgiving without grandma…what do you think? How are you doing?” and “We’re not going to celebrate Thanksgiving this year because it will be too sad without grandma, wouldn’t it?” The latter shuts down reflection and dialogue, the former invites it. I would also say that it’s human to be awkward or say the wrong thing, and I think it’s better to err on the side of reaching out – and own the awkwardness or the potential mistake.
Some teens shut down or turn to risky coping behaviors like self-harm after a loss. How do you create safety and build trust in therapy with grieving teens who don’t want to talk?
Jen: If a child or teen doesn’t want to talk with a therapist about their grief, there are some therapeutic modalities that can help, including elements of play therapy and expressive arts. If a child or teen is engaging in self-harming behavior, then building a trusting relationship with a therapist is especially important so that both the behavior and the underlying emotions can be addressed. In the spirit of grief takes its time, creating safety in therapy requires patience and willingness to walk the grief journey with the client, approaching them in the fullness of their humanity rather than as a problem to be solved.
How do you help family members who are out of sync in their grieving process reconnect and communicate more effectively?
Jen: It is common for family members to grieve differently. As previously noted, many factors impact a person’s experience of grief, including our unique life experiences. As a therapist, I have worked with clients and their family members to help them recognize these differences and validate each other’s emotional experiences. Validating others’ experiences, especially when they are different from our own, is an essential part of good communication.
Do you see any grief-related challenges that feel specific to families in Silicon Valley? How do things like achievement culture or perfectionism impact how people grieve here?
Jen: Silicon Valley is a place that prizes the ability to problem-solve. Many who have had success here excel in working with measurable outcomes and reliable benchmarks. But grief is non-linear and unpredictable. It is something to be experienced, not solved. This can be especially challenging for those who are used to approaching challenges in a way that feels logical and reasonable. I’ve learned that the role of a grief counselor is to support each unique person in their unique grief journey, through all the meandering turns it might take.
Book an appointment with Jen Clayman or one of our other Menlo Park, Palo Alto or San Jose therapists to help you through grieving.
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